I don’t like when something isn’t right
I don’t like when it feels out of sorts
I don’t like not having a “hold” on things
I don’t like the swell of frustration in my head
I don’t like it.
My head is awash with so much running through it at the minute, it’s hard to string a concise sentence together. Even now, I’ve been sat staring at this page for longer than I care to admit; trying to find the words & not just FFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! When I’m occupied to a level that I can only think on what it is I’m doing at that very minute; I am fine. It’s when I have a moment, I used to enjoy the peace, the solitude, the “alone time” and now it feels like a constant buzzing of white noise whirling around.
I used to be of the belief that if you can change something, to change it & if you can’t; to forget it & move on. You’ll waste too much energy dwelling on things that you have no control over. I probably still think that way, but at the minute I am stuck & I hate it more than I’ve hated anything for a very long time. My previous post was about frustration & I guess this is a follow-up (after a conversation with Andy on Friday) as I kinda have a clearer idea; a new perspective on how to look at it.
You can either let the frustration take over you & allow it to consume you or you can look at it as a driving force to become greater than you thought you could be.
So, in a nutshell. I’m pissed off. There’s so much that annoys me at the minute it’s hard to see the light, however being as annoyed as I am with many aspect of my life, shows that I’m not happy with my current situation -which is a GOOD thing. It means I don’t want to settle, I don’t want to just “be”
It’s given me the vigour I’ve desperately missed for the last few weeks, if not months. I got complacent, then got irritated. The irritation is my driving force. Not happy? Use it! Channel it into something that will make you happy.
Since Friday, I’ve had some of the best training sessions I’ve had for a long time. I deadlifted more on my own than I’ve done since about February, I gave myself some of the most heinous DOMS that the cycle to the gym today felt like I was cycling through thick glue & it was never going to end.
Today, my session was incredible. I felt so content leaving the gym, there’s something to be said about hormone releases during exercise. It’d have been interesting to see my dopamine levels as I was cycling home – interesting fact, there’s a blog post about dopamine & it’s effect on your motivation levels, not just it being the “reward hormone” It made a lot of sense to me, this feeling I have now is one that a few years ago was with me permanently, I was driven to be better, I strived to become greater than I was, I wasn’t going to be beaten or have someone be more recognised than I was (this was in a work environment where I excelled)
It was an eye opener. That time in my life is gone, I miss it everyday & the void it left inside me was getting bigger. I *think* I’ve finally found the solution. Training has taught me so much about myself. This last year has seen me do so much more than I ever thought possible, it’s given back to me more than I could have ever imagined. I’m not the physically strongest, but fuck me; I’ve had some pretty epic hurdles to jump over since I started this blog. My self doubt, my struggles with food, overcoming the desire to quit – more than once.
How I feel now, was the feeling I had when the year started – before everything started to go wrong. I still wonder where I’d be now if everything had gone smoothly this year, but what would I have learned?
Side note: Having an AMAZING support structure has helped me overcome the darkness that was trying to swallow me. Thank you, Burton. Thank you Gem & everyone else that has messaged me recently. you’ll never know how much your kindness has helped me. ❤
I leave you with an image of the cheesecake I made when I got home from the gym: